I would even look at pictures of myself and think, “that’s not me.” I always just brushed it off as the “wild imagination” I was always accused of having when I was young. Still, something just didn’t seem right.As I look into the mirror, I wonder who is looking back at me. What does the face look like? What do I see in those eyes? Sometimes I see rage, or deep despair, or even no emotion at all. Is it really me looking back? My eyes look so different... it’s not just the color... it’s something more...
I used to wonder that often through my life.
I would even look at pictures of myself and think, “that’s not me.” I always just brushed it off as the “wild imagination” I was always accused of having when I was young. Still, something just didn’t seem right.
As I began to heal from the abuse of my childhood, I learned that I was shattered inside. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I see a piece of me looking back. Pieces that broke off in order to survive the hell I lived through. Pieces that held deep pain or sorrow that I just couldn’t cope with at the time. Pieces that did “jobs” that were required of me that I just couldn’t face. Pieces that held secrets that I couldn’t share and yet couldn’t hold. Pieces that allowed me to keep the facade of normalcy amidst the insanity.
Some of them harbor huge amounts of anger and rage, and some have no emotion. Some trust no one. Others seem to be frozen at the place of pain... small children lost to the changes of time. Many inside don’t understand time.
It’s a lost concept to them. I have a difficult time keeping track of what day it is and rarely know the date unless I look at the computer or calendar.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is what they call it now. Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) is what it used to be called. DID is really a better term for it. It’s something that’s unique to the individual and yet has general characteristics across the board. Dissociating is also something everyone does. The shock we experience after the death of someone close to us is dissociation. Let's say you're angry about something, but it's really not the time to deal with it. You put your feelings on the backburner for a while until you can deal with them. That's dissociation.
So how does one become multiple? It's caused by trauma in early childhood. A child that hasn't splintered by the time they're 8 won't. It has something to do with personality development. It's often associated with abuse but can be a different type of traumatic event, such as seeing someone die. The reason most people associate it with abuse is that the most severe cases are often caused by repetitive, long term abuse. A child experiences trauma and dissociates to an extreme and the piece fractures off from the whole person. The child will be amnesiac to the experience that caused the fracturing.
All the pieces inside are a part of me. I often describe myself as a puzzle that's partially done.
What does it feel like to be multiple? This is the best way I can describe it. It’s like driving a car. Sometimes while I’m driving, one of my pieces, or insiders, sits really close to me. I can feel what they’re feeling and understand what they’re thinking, but I’m still driving. There are times when one will sit on my lap and we drive together. There are also times when I get shoved over into the passenger seat and one of them takes me for a ride. Now rare are the times when I get thrown into the backseat while someone else drives, and I am unaware of the passage of time. It is very disconcerting to suddenly be back in the driver seat, yet things don’t seem quite right. It's like driving a route you've driven many times before and suddenly finding you're several miles further than you realized. You know you drove it, but you don't remember it. That's how it feels to "wake up" somewhere. When it's been happening all your life, you assume it's "normal".
How does a multiple heal? It's a very painful and often long process. I have to take back everything I gave away. Basically, I have to see each memory and work through the emotions. I have a lot of problems with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because the emotions are still in the same place they were at the time of abuse. Chronologically it could have been years, but emotionally it's like it just happened.
I also have to take back things my pieces did that I was amnesiac to at the time. For example, my sexual pieces remained active even after the abuse ended. I had no clue at the time what was going on. There have been several rather shocking things I've learned about after the fact.
As I heal, I become more whole. I have pieces that have “integrated” or become one with me again. I've left the integration process to each of my insiders and Jesus to decide when it’s right for them. I have some who integrate very rapidly, and others who have been around for a while. Waiting for them to come to me is the most peaceful and effective way I’ve found. Trying to speed up the healing process just creates chaos and anxiety, which leads to feelings of inadequacy.
I have pieces who like to write; one who likes to draw; and others who express themselves through music. I wonder sometimes what I will be like when I am whole. I feel like I'm a butterfly that's just emerged from the cocoon. I look forward to seeing what I'll look like once my wings dry.
October, 2003: I have met 37 pieces; 20 of them have healed and become part of me again.
January, 2004: I have met 39 pieces; 23 have now healed.
March, 2004: I have met 40 pieces; 24 have now healed.
May, 2004: 40 pieces; 26 have healed.
August, 2004: 43 pieces, 26 have healed.
November, 2004: 43 pieces, 29 have healed.
May, 2005: 43 pieces, 30 have healed.
February, 2007: 44 pieces, 35 have healed.
These links take you to works done by my 12 year old artist, Destinee.
Angel
Eye of the Storm
